This Life of Gray
by SupernaturalMurderdoll
Summary: Renji's life has taken a tole for the worst. With Rukia gone, now forever, he's suicidal. Can his life long friend KiKi help him through all of it? Will Renji be healed and find a new love in time? Please read and find out. also plz review
1. PART 1

This Life of Gray

_PART 1_

Today marks the day I came into his life. As kids we never really thought of life as a game. For us we had to fend for ourselves, not just for food, but for shelter too. But he still made room for me. Why me, I have no clue. "Renji, dinners ready." I call out into the main room. "Yeah, be there in a second. I'm talking to Rukia." The sound of her name makes my body quiver in anger. After I had been orphaned, after Renji took me in with the others, she showed up, frail and extremely weak. He suddenly took to her, would never leave her side. He was once like that with me, now its Rukia this and Rukia that. But he loves her right? "Renji, I'm not waiting forever, Ichigo and Kon are going to be here soon." I hate it when he does this, he never listens.

"Hey KiKi, Kon and I are here, what smells so good?" Ichigo arrives and takes off his jacket from the frosty weather. "Yeah, it's a shame you put me IN A STUFFED TOY ICHIGO, why I ought' a!" Ichigo laughs and blocks Kon's attack. "Oh can it will ya'." I set the table and I'm still waiting on Renji to get off the phone. "Abarai!! Will you get in here, she made a nice dinner for us and we don't get that privilege much!" I smile at Ichigo, "Thanks." He returns a short smile and in came Renji. "It's about time Renj!" I practically yell at him. Everyone gets their plate set up and we all dig in. "So, Ichigo, how was your day?" I say swirling my homemade ramen noodles. "It was ok I guess, I fought a hallow, and fought with my dad." Laughing Renji slurps a noodle. "Yeah, well, I've tried to get KiKi out of the house all day but she didn't want to do anything." I roll my eyes at Renji.

We eat and talk for hours on end, until there was no dinner left sitting on the table. "Ok well I better get goin' I have school tomorrow and I have a test to study for, thanks for dinner see you guys later." Ichigo gets up from the table, grabs Kon and his jacket then heads out the door. Renji just sits at the other end of the table; he looks up at me with sorrowful eyes. "What's wrong Abarai?" I grab the empty bowls and walk towards the sink. "It's nothing you need you worry about, here let me do that." I don't argue and let Renji do the dished for once, because the cook shouldn't have to clean right? I turn the corner to the staircase and go up them to my room to get changed. No sooner do I make it to the top of the staircase I hear three loud crashes.

"RENJI!!!" I fly back down the stairs into the kitchen to see him sitting in the middle of broken glass. "Renji, get out of there your going to get hurt." I command, he ignores. "My life is no longer a happy go lucky. Rukia doesn't want me, I don't want me." My hand slides up to my mouth covering my dropped jaw as best as I could. I've never seen this grown man cry, but he started to. I get down on my knees and climb on the broken glass to put his head on my chest, "Everything is going to be ok Renji! Stop freakin' out." I can't, I love her! I love her damn it!!" Renji grabs a piece of broken glass and runs it across his legs cutting his skin pretty deep. "Ahh; Renji… Stop it! Stop it!" I jump up and grab the phone and dial 911. I make my report and no sooner do I hang up to tend to Renji the ambulance pulls up out-front. "Where is he ma'am?" The Paramedic anxiously asks. "In through there, in the kitchen; but be careful he's stronger than he looks." They rush in and sedate him before putting him on the stretcher.

"Are you going to ride along Ma'am, or take your own car?" My whole body is shaking and as much as I tried to say "my own car" I couldn't speak at all. "Ma'am?" "Uh, yeah my own car…" My mind trails off afraid for Renji's life. I run upstairs to grab my wallet and my keys and Renji's soul reaper cell goes off frantically. It reads, "Kuchiki Rukia, found dead, due to a hallow." I throw the phone on the bed and cry a little, why is his life turning for the worst? I run my fingers through my hair and run out to my car.

**_((Well, thanx for reading, please review, and Chpt. 2 will be up shortly))_**


	2. PART 2

This Life of Gray

_PART 2_

Pulling up outside of the hospital I spot Renji being rolled in on the stretcher. "Excuse me, excuse me, miss hello!" I almost scream into the reception window in the lobby. "Yes ma'am what's your hurry?" I look at this woman in disgust, it's a hospital there could be many different reasons. "They just brought a man in on a stretcher about ten minutes ago, any word on how he's doing?" The woman types something on the computer lazily. "Well honey you can't go back to see him your not family. Have a seat and when he wakes up I'll ask for you, thanks." The woman slams the glass down and smiles ignorantly. "Not family! Not family!" I say angrily inside my head. I take a seat and twiddle my thumbs. An hour or so later I'm dozing off in a very uncomfortable little chair and a doctor comes out from behind the locked doors. "Is there someone here for an Abarai Renji-San?" My eyes get big and I'm practically jumping out of my seat.

"I'm here, what's going on he had so many cuts and he was bleeding very badly." My voices cracks and my eyes water, "Step into my office." I fallow left hanging in suspense for the moment. "Well, as you do know, Renji has lost a very large amount of blood. Also, we had to take him into surgery; he had a very large piece of glass embedded in his thigh. Where it was embedded was very close to his Femoral Artery, it missed it by just a few centimeters." My eyes begin to water even more until tears of saltwater run down my face. "So s-so, he's ok right?" I quickly dry my tears and lean in for the answer, all hope relies on this. "He should be ok, but he's still asleep from the anesthesia we had to give him for the surgery. You can go back and see him now, if you would like that is." I nod and blow my nose, and then I fallow the doctor back into a small corner room. "Ok well visiting hours are over in about twenty five minutes so keep your eye on the clock dear." After the warning was giving he leaves me to Renji.

My keys drop to the floor, he looks so weak and frail, just laying there in those white sheets. I pull over the chair and place it beside his bed. There were so many wires and he was being giving blood, I guess for the amount he had lost. "Oh Renji-Sama, your so reckless, that was so stupid of you." I place my other hand on his face and run it down to his chin once or twice. "K-k…k-iki; I'm sorry..." Renji trails off having some side-effects from the anesthesia. "Shhh…Renji it's all gonna be ok. We'll get through it I promise." Renji moves his arm a little, then he tries again; he takes my hand and slowly takes it to his mouth before kissing it. "Thank you for not letting me hurt me." I smile and tear up again, "No problem Renji, you're always there for me, so it was my turn." He smirks and lets out a sigh. "How bad was it?" I pause before stating what was said to me. "Well, you know the artery that's in your leg the big one; you were very close to cutting that." He grips my hand tighter.

"And the doctor said that they had to take you into surgery to remove a big piece of glass." Now his thumb is rubbing my hand, can he feel my heart racing over the thought of him not being here anymore, could he possibly? "Well I'm still here and I'm really tired, so I', going to go to sleep, will you stay until I fall asleep?" He hasn't asked me that in so long. The last time he asked that was when his mom had passed away from cancer. "I will sweetie, get some rest." I kiss his forehead and sit back down in the chair. As Renji drifts back off into his rest he whispers, "I love you……. KiKi." I blush and stand to leave. I pick my keys up off the floor where they were dropped twenty some minutes ago. I walk out into the dimly lit parking lot and start my car. The next thing I can remember is my head hitting my pillow at home and wishing that this night could have never happened. What if I had said no I'll do the dishes, or no go watch TV or something? I nod off, by body sore from all the stress from today.

Five o'clock in the morning and my phone goes off right next to my head. I rub my eyes, grab the handheld and press talk. "Hello Abarai and Shields residence?" There was a small pause, "K-KiKi, it's me Renji, uhm, can you maybe come down here." "Yeah I can Renji what's wrong?" Another small pause, "I need you to be here, please…" With that he hung up the phone. I grab my shoes and throw them on. I pull up in front of the hospital thirty minutes later and go inside. "RENJI—SAN; what are you doing out of bed?!" I rush over. "They're letting me come home; can you please take me home?" Renji's acting very different today, what's gotten into him? "Yeah, yeah, sure sweetie, sit down before you fall over please." I walk up to the counter to be greeted by the same pointless woman from yesterday. "Oh your back, how can I help you Hun?" I let out a big sigh, and then I sit and begin to fill out all of the release forms. "Thank you ma'am, Have a nice day." I roll my eyes and stand up.

I finally manage to get Renji out to the car; I have to tell him about Rukia's death eventually. "Hey Renji, sweetie?" He takes my hand in his, "Yeah?" "This is going to be extremely hard on you considering what alls happened yesterday afternoon. But before I came to check on you yesterday, you soul cell rang. Oh Renji, well I picked it up and read it, and honey Rukia's dead." I look at his face; his grip tightens on my hand, his thumb, rubs faster across my skin.

(((Please review and let know what you think.)))


	3. PART 3

This Life of Gray

_PART 3_

Renji swallows hard and asks me to pull over. "Ok Renji, but promise we you wont go ff and do something stupid!" I yell at him. "I won't just pull over unless you want puke in your car!!" I stop the car and Renji jumps out and gets on the ground, the rest was disgusting. I rush over and hold his hair above his head, my poor Renji, why is his life falling into pieces? He spits, and grabs a leaf to wipe his mouth off with. "Come on sweetie let's go home ok?" My mind is running a mile a minute; I don't really know what to say to him. But, how can this be, I've known him almost all my life, there's got to be something. We pull up outside of the house, and Renji hasn't said one word to me after that little pit stop we made. "How are you with this KiKi?" Renji looks down at his hands remembering Rukia's beloved smile. "Well I was never that close to her Renji and I don't really know how to deal with the situation just yet." I move the hair from his face, and I try to smile, but the energy wasn't right.

Renji takes my hand and rubs it against his cheek, I wonder how confused he is inside, I know he's really hurting and I probably shouldn't leave him alone for a while. "Ok let's go inside." I get out of the car and help him to the door. "I want to see the kitchen, did you clean it yet?" Renji's voice is rough. He holds into the wall and stumbles into the kitchen doorway. "All that blood is mine? I-I, I can't believe I went so suicidal!" Renji punches the wall. "Abarai! Stop it, you're only going to hurt yourself even more, so sit in the living room and I'll make you some lunch." He's acting so weird, he wants to let it out but it's like he has to be strong in front of me or something. I grab a pack of Ramen Noodles out of the cabinet, and read the directions. "KiKi?!" Renji calls out from the living room. "Yeah honey?" I pause, "Where's my cell, I want to call the soul society." "Are you sure that's a good idea right now?" Ignoring the sick feeling in my stomach, and run upstairs to get his phone, but I really think this isn't a good idea.

"Thank you." I hand Renji his phone and turn to go clean the kitchen up. Should I call Ichigo and tell him the news? Or should I let him find out on his own? Or maybe, he already knows? I'm confused in my thoughts I think I need to lay down. Almost telepathically Ichigo calls, I pick up the phone. "Hello?" There's no answer for a minute or two. "Uh, yeah, hey KiKi, I heard about Rukia, are you guys ok?" Sighing I tell him all what had happened, peeking around the corner at Renji ever five minutes or so. "Yeah, ok well I was just calling to check in on the two of you. I'll check back in a couple days. Later." I agree and hang up the phone. It's later now and I'm sitting in silence with Renji In the living room. I can't help but stare at him he's too quiet, I can't stand it, he's so sad. I still haven't thought of what exactly to say to him yet. "KiKi? Do you think maybe we could go to her funeral?" My eyes swell with tears for him. "Yeah Renji we can go I promise, when is it?" Renji swallows as a tear finally rolls down his face. "It's tomorrow, in the Soul Society." I nod my head yes. "Well Renji, it's late and I'm tired you can stay up if you like but…" "Don't leave me here yet… Please stay a little longer, for me..." My heart races in my chest, he doesn't want to be alone, he wants me here. But I can't get ahead of myself, he's in pain, he's not longing for me like I wish he was.


	4. PART 4

This Life of Gray

_PART 4_

The sunlight shines through the living room window, I guess we both dosed off last night. I sit up and look towards the couch to see Renji asleep, maybe this is the only time he can be at peace. Heading to the kitchen I look at the wall clock, it's about ten thirty in the morning and I have no idea on how today's going to go. I put on a pot of coffee and go back in to wake Renji. "Renji, sweetie, you've gotta get up we have to leave in a little for the funeral." I rub his arm, and he slowly come out of his slumber. He sits up and rubs his eyes, and then glances at the floor. "Yeah, I forgot, I guess I should go get ready." I watch him fumble up the stairs and into his bedroom. I need to get ready to I guess, I mean I promised we would go, heh, yea, I promised.

Sometime later Renji appears in the kitchen and sits to drink his coffee. "So, are you sure you're ready for this?" Renji shrugs and stirs the coffee, "I have to be ready sometime right?" I close my eyes and let out a long sigh then I agree. I think right now in this moment, I feel more depressed than Renji. "Well let me go get ready too and we'll head out to Mr. Hat n' Clogs' place." Renji sips his coffee and winks as to say ok. We decide to walk to Mr. Hat n" Clogs' place instead of driving because he lives right down the street. "So Renji, where did you get that suit for your gigai?" he smirks, "I borrowed it from Ichigo." My mouth drops. "Renji you give that back to him when we get home!" I laugh, but suddenly stop myself, because today's not the day to laugh. "I will, hmm, I like this suit too." Renji brushes himself off. "Well, well look who came to see me all dressed up and pretty." Mr. H n' C says in sarcasm. "Funny, anyhow we need to get to the Soul Society to go to Rukia's funeral. Can you help us out?" I reply with a twirl of my hair around my finger.

"I suppose, let's go now hurry." He leads us through his shop and out to the backyard. "Ok well, you know the drill when you get through you've got four minutes in this time which is like a couple days or so in their time, I'll see ya's later then." Both Renji and I nod and hand in hand walk through the gate. "Gah, I've always hated this pressure on my chest, it's hard to breathe." Renji looks down at me and picks me up and carries me the rest of the way through. Somehow Renji gets through the other side and sets me down. Ok so yea the people here are going to stare, I haven't been back to the Soul Society in years. "Hey look its KiKi!" I hear a few random people talk amongst themselves in a corner. "Yeah, Renj let's find this thing." Renji gives those few people a deadly stare and he takes my hand as we continue to look for the funeral service.

We spot momo, Byakuya, and Kenpachi. They all seem to be headed inside a giant building. "KiKi!" Momo come running over, she and I were best friends in school. "Hey Momo how are you it's been forever and a year I swear." I hug her and she tells me about how she ranked lieutenant. "That's great Momo. Anyways I'm sorry to cut this conversation short but where's the funeral service being held." Momo smiles and gestures for us to fallow her. She opens the doors to the service and Renji stands frozen in the doorway. To see her laying there on a slab of black marble, not breathing, not moving, made Renji uneasy for the first time in his life. He loved her and she turned him down, then she died. "Renji sweetie let's go and get seated the service is about to start." Renji looks down at me, "I can't I'm sorry please forgive me for dragging you here." With that he ran off into the distance, but should I fallow? Should I give him space? "RENJI!!" I call out from the doorway, grasping the door itself.


	5. PART 5

This Life of Gray

_PART 5_

I eventually let go of the door and take a seat on the steps outside. Why does he insist on hiding his feelings? Why can't he just scream and let it all out? "Momo, where do you think Renji would go at a time like this?" Momo sits next to me and shrugs. "Uhm, well let me think, I'm not quite sure." A few minutes later she comes up with a place in the Soul Society. A place covered in a thick wooded forest, where Renji first developed overly strong feelings for Rukia. He has always liked her but that place is where he confessed his lover for her. I'm running and it almost feels like my chest is going to collapse, which means there's high spiritual pressure. "Shields? I thought that was you!" Kenpachi came flying down from atop a building, "Hey Kenni!! I've missed you and little pink!" Kenni grabs me and pulls me into a giant hug. "Have you seen…" "Abarai Renji, yes he was headed in that direction. Hop on and I'll take you over there." So I do; I climb on his back and off he runs. We finally arrive at the place where Renji confessed his love for Rukia. "Ah, there he is, I'll leave you two to speak alone, eh?" I nod and thank Kenni for lending a hand.

"Renji-Sama; why did you run off like you did?" I kneel down beside him. "I couldn't take it is all…" I sigh and look down at the grass. If only he would open up to me. "Well you can't keep running from your problems Renji, you have to face them, you can't keep the issues bottled up inside." Renji looks into my eyes deeply and then looks the other way towards the woods. "I understand that completely. But Rukia, why was it her time, I loved her with just about all of my heart KiKi." My eyes water for him, since he can't cry, well he hasn't really tried. "I realize you loved her and you still do but stop sulking and live life to the fullest, use Rukia as an example of that." Renji takes my hand in his and hushes my tears, "Then stop crying for me and be happy, seeing you sad doesn't help me at all." He lifts his hand and places his fingers under my chin, lifting my head up. "Be happy for me, and I'll try to be happy as well." I nod and wipe the tears from my eyes. I can't take it anymore I wrap my arms around him. Renji hesitates and then finally places his arms around me.

"Do you want to say goodbye and then go home, or just go home?" I listen to Renji's heart beat slowly in his chest, almost like he's calmed down a little. "Let's just go home ok, I can't look at her, it hurts too much." I agree and he helps me up. We reach the gate and proceed through to the living world. "Hey it's about time you guys got back, I didn't want to sit here for a whole four minutes, and I have the shop to run." Mr. Hat n' Clogs says sarcastically. "Very funny; thank you for opening up the portal/gate thingy." Renji grabs my hand and we walk towards our home. When we arrive we stop Ichigo on the steps. "Hey Ichi, why are you here, all alone on top of that." "I was going to wait until you two got home, to check in and see how you were doing because no one was answering the phone." I look at Ichigo and smile as in a thank you for caring. "Well come on in and I'll make you some dinner." Ichigo politely turns down my offer and strolls down the street to head back home. "Well, I'll still cook for you Renji come on let's go inside." We step inside and Renji freezes in place about ten feet from the door way. "What is it Renji?" Renji hushes me and closes his eyes and spans his arms out from his body. "I feel her, its Rukia!" He stands there as a gust of air hits his body and he finally puts his arms down. "She told me to be brave and stop cowering in my sorrow, to make sure I never forget her, and most of all to love and take care of you, to never let you go." I blush and say thank you to Rukia in a muffled whisper.

Renji turns to me and hold his arms open. As if he's saying come here and I'll hold you forever in my arms. I run towards him and wrap my arms around him once more. "I think Rukia's right, I should love and protect you, I should love and protect you with my life KiKi, I've never thought of it until now. I do truly love you, and I'd give the world to make you happy. Will you have me then?" My whole body is frozen and numb. I've wanted to hear him say something like that all my life so far. "I was always here for you Renji, waiting for that day you would hopefully say something like that. I will have you by my side." Renji squeezes me tighter and looks down at me. "So you should go make dinner, I'm hungry." Happy moment over, gee Renji thanks for ruining it. "Oh sure boss man, right away, you love me huh?" "I never said I was going to treat you any different!" Renji yells after me like he thought I was serious.


End file.
